Dick’s jolliest holiday

The Dick Van Dyke Show

Most eligible bachelor ever no longer behind Door No. 1. (Image via Wikipedia)

Who among us has not fantasized about hooking up with Rob Petrie, aka Dick Van Dyke, at some point in our lives? Raise hands. I see no hands … no one else? As I thought.

Read in the paper this morning — and for those under 12, that is not some kind of oracle but actual folded pieces of paper with words inked on them that sail to your doorstep every morning; I know, magic! — that 86-year-old Dick Van Dyke has wed makeup artist Arlene Silver, who is more than half his age. Forty-six years younger to be exact, even younger than she is old. That’s like my stepdaughter marrying my father.

Dick, that’s just wrong.

Now, I’m no prude. I myself at age 4 refused to go to afternoon kindergarten until I’d had my fill of “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” appreciating even then our May-December conundrum — talk about “Rob-ing” the cradle. But he was only in his late 30s, with fewer than 30 years between us. His Leap Day blind leap into marriage  rules out his ever carrying her over the threshold, and forget the “Honey, I’m home”  signature pratfall … life-threatening!

These are penguins, not newts.

Perhaps it’s because she’s a makeup artist and can make him appear younger?For those out there judging me or who maybe think that any sort of sexually “alternative” lifestyles are unnatural, let’s look at same-sex attraction, shall we? More than 460 species on the planet engage in what humans call gay relationships — a perfectly natural occurrence. Some of my best friends and offspring are gay; I see nothing wrong with it and would never suggest there be a law against it. (Side note: So why is it that, in order for it to be legal, we have to go to the trouble of making laws FOR it?)

But a 46-year age difference. Need I remind you that 46 used to be the average human life span. Verging on necrophilia, here, Mr. Van Dyke. Where does such a gap happen in nature without the extenuating circumstances of a major inheritance and terminal illness? That would be like a Galapagos tortoise humping a tadpole, or newt, or whatever a turtle larvae is called.

I Googled the world record for the largest age difference between spouses and it seems there isn’t one. Revealing. I did find that, in 2010, a 108-year-old woman from Kuala Berang, Terengganu (is that even a country? oh — Malaysia), was reunited with her husband of five years, Mohd Noor Che Musa, 38, after he was released from a rehab center after 18 months’ treatment for his drug addiction. Three words: kama sutra, and drugs.

Whoa, a 70-year age difference!? That’ll never last.



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