Less than a week until my favorite holiday. This marks my first Halloween ever that I don’t need a costume.
People who really know me say: “You NEVER need a costume.” Ha-ha, funny, people.
I know what they MEAN is: I am sorta a Halloween freak. And by that they mean: It also happens to be my birthday.
You may now get it out of your system. I’ve heard them all:
“Are you gonna go in your birthday suit?”
“You can take that mask off now.”
“Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”
And those aren’t even the good ones.
Before you think this post is some cheap way to broadcast to the world THERE ARE ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY, let me tell you:
I read something fearsome in “the USA TODAY” today (actually, last night, because that’s where I work, so I get the first look) about how Halloween has been co-opted by adults.
Well. Sometimes we miss the scoop. It has always been for adults, silly. Do you think babies are begging to be outfitted in scratchy mesh ladybug suits? Don’t you ever wonder why every house on the street runs out of king-size Kit-Kats before the sun sets? Do not even talk to me about costumed pet parades.
This year, though, will be unlike any other. I typically make it a policy to never work a birthday in my life … but due to a schedule snafu, I. must. work. On my birthday. On Halloween, with all the other working stiffs aka zombies aka robots aka fairies. Scary.
I thought about dressing up at the office, but no one is likely to notice, because, as I browse the latest female adult costumes, I notice they’re not so different from my typical work clothes. For instance, there’s …
“Sexy Medical Marijuana Nurse” (topical) …
And can’t ignore “Sexy Skunk,” with front and rear views. It unzips.
Ah, idea: roadkill.
Fill in the blank — you can find a “sexy” anything costume online. Pretty much all the same costume, stripper stockings and the barest hint of fabric.
I understand the point is to scare people, and no doubt my public would be frightened to see me in one of these, but I pine for an old-fashioned holiday. Give me some gore. Or at least actual cleverness.
The past month on Facebook, I have tried, like a Mardi Gras float captain, to toss out ideas for you people to ensure that my virtual holiday is grand, even if I must sit on the sidelines. Here is a quick summary, to get your wheels spinning.
Merge man’s two best friends:
Subject your baby to being stopped for lots more Instagram clicks:
Be sure to use spirit gum, unless you want your face to truly unzip:
Face- and body-painting is always a great fallback:
Riff off your favorite horror-flick chicks:
Or your favorite commercial mascot:
This one is pretty easy, just a few bruises, Band-Aids and hair product. Be sure not to shave!
Couples/groups can explore before-and-after takes on celebrities, like black vs. white Michael Jackson, good vs. bad Sandy from “Grease” (Olivia Newton-John), on- and off-the-wagon Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, fill-in-the-blank, or Fat vs. Army vs. Greaser Elvis:
I won’t rule out the requisite pet torture:
And check out this mind-boggling array of punny costumes, compiled by The Huffington Post.
I am counting on all (two) of you who read this blog to provide me with horrible glimpses of the fun I missed next week. E-mail photos to: firstname.lastname@example.org. I will follow up with a blog celebrating my fright and crowning someone VIRTUALLY GHASTLY or SICK or whatever pertains.
And when people ask me what I’ll be for Halloween, I’ll just give my standard answer: 39.
- Are kids costumes becoming too sexy? (minbcnews.com)
- Inside The Bizarre World Of Sexy Halloween Costumes … For Pets (businessinsider.com)