5 things I seriously wish someone would invent

URC MX-880 Remote

URC MX-880 Remote (Photo credit: Gramophone Maryland)

1. A truly universal remote control. Not only could I freeze-frame those who annoy me, I could power them off. Or make it rain when and where I wanted. Rain wads of Franklins. Rotate the planet backwards, back before the Mega Millions drawing, only this time I’d have the winning numbers.

2. Hypoallergenic pollen. C’mon, this must be possible by now, but the makers of Zyrtec and Kleenex are blocking production.

3. Maintenance-free cars. And when I say free, I mean gratis, buy none, get one free. (Oh and WHY do we have to pay someone to rotate our tires again? Don’t they do that themselves?)

4. Cameras built in to our eyes. Could you imagine? There’d be zoom, flash, unlimited storage, unlike the brain that needs defragging. Never again miss the perfect picture. Proof that everything happened! Try not to blink, though.

5. Some way for me to remember how much a first-class stamp currently costs. Oh, never mind. There is an entire website dedicated to this: priceofastamp.com. Ah, sweet wish fulfillment.

The irony: I needed a website to effectively snail-mail a letter. And it was that first-class post that morphed into this world-class post.